Sunday, July 24, 2016

An Open Letter To Myself

Dear me,

Right now, life is not anything like you imagined it would be. Summer of 2016, with a 5 month old, was supposed to include leisurely stroller walks, family hikes, trips to camp and the islands, exploring the backyard, dancing the night away at a best friend's wedding, gardening in earnest, general adventuring. Your biggest concerns were supposed to be losing the baby weight, transitioning R from the bassinet to the crib, being anxious when you and E go out for dinner without R for the first time, fretting over R starting daycare in late August. Instead, you're locked in a battle with your body. Trying to get your hips, your joints, back into alignment. Trying to find medical providers who aren't stumped by your diagnosis. Using a walker to move from point A to B, all the while attracting stares that range from curious to pitying wherever you go. You're also at odds with your mind. Seeing a therapist for the first time, to talk about all this, and try to understand how you'll move forward. Feeling awful, deep-green envy whenever you hear about your friends, family, anyone having fun doing all the summertime activities you can't. Feeling rage against the OB-GYN who sent you home from the hospital without a diagnosis, in a wheelchair, and with instructions to "take a couple walks a day, take a couple naps a day, heal!". Feeling more anger that, at that time, you didn't know any better to scream for help. Let's be honest - life sucks right now.

That said... it's going to be OK. You're on the right (if painstakingly slow) path. You're doing all the things you can do, the things you need to do, for yourself, for your baby, for your husband. You're going to continue to get better. Even if your "fully-recovered" body isn't exactly capable of the things your pre-injury body was, you will be active again,you will be happy again, in that body. Keep fighting - each second that passes is another second closer to feeling, at the very least, a lot like your old self. Your new self is already a billion times stronger than your old self. I love you!


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